Classified Ads

Punctuation, grammar, and spelling are all important ingredients in effective communications. When the rules of writing aren’t followed, the risk of being misunderstood increases, often with hilarious results.

Here are some “examples” from newspaper classified ads.

  1. I’m not sure why the person willing to help the uneducated would expect a response:

          “Illiterate? Write today for free help.”

  1. There’s a good possibility this mechanic is no longer in business:

          “Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go                           anywhere again.”

  1. Is it possible this child day care facility has been closed due to abuse?

         “Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced back yard, meals, and                        smacks included.”

  1. I’m not sure this animal has found a home:

          “Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.”

  1. This store might want to contact Santa Claus or check a calendar for guidance:

          “Semi-annual after Christmas sale. Ends December 4th.”

  1. How much experience can such a young person have?

         “Three-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.”

  1. Perhaps the person selling this set probably ran the child day care center mentioned in #3, above:

         “Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient                            beating.”

  1. Not sure if Chester is going to miss his underwear or his dresser:

         “For Sale: Chester’s drawers.”

  1. Does this jewelry store deal in baubles, body parts, or both?

         “Today Only: Have your ears pierced and get an extra pair free.”

  1. I thought this was illegal in most places:

         “Great Dames for sale. Free crate for housing included.”

  1. I’ll bet this maid service gets great tips:

          “Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.”

  1. Sounds like a tiring but pleasurable place to stay, doesn’t it?

         “Our hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other fun                      athletic facilities.”

  1. It’s a good bet this laundry lost some clients after placing this ad:

         “We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.”

  1. No telling what this pest control company would do to uncles:

         “Get rid of aunts. Our chemical does the job in 24 hours.”

  1. Finally! An honest used car dealership:

         “Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.”

  1. These crafts people might still be looking for a sale:

        “Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.”

  1. Sounds like she gives good, clean milk:

         “Wanted: Man to take care of cow that doesn’t smoke or drink.”

  1. I already have a swimsuit but I might just stop by this surf shop in Florida:

         “Our bikinis are exciting, better than others. Ours are simply the tops.”

  1. This big-box store might need a new public relations representative:

         “Our Superstore is unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled in                                inconvenience.”

  1. This odd-jobs person just might be worth the money:

         “Will oil your sewing machine, unravel your threads and adjust tension in your                    home for $1.00.”

  1. No comment:

         “For Sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.”

The Quirky Side of Funny

Space Vampires

Writing is writing (as the saying goes) whether it be novel, poem, short story, grocery list, or whatever.

This witty meme—a hilarious spin on science and space exploration with a twist of imaginative science fiction and fantasy—popped up in my email and made me laugh aloud. Hopefully, it will bring a smile to your face as well.

Who knows, perhaps it could also be a short story inspiration?

Probably A Good Idea

Here’s a list of forbidden and off-limits titles, subjects, and story ideas originally attributed to a creative writing teacher for a class tasked with writing stories for children. Also seems applicable to anyone involved in creating flash fiction involving young readers and writers. Not sure if I should laugh or cringe.

  1. You Are Different And That’s Bad
  2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
  3. Fun Four Letter Words To Learn And Share
  4. Hammers, Screwdrivers, And Scissors: An “I-Can-Do-It” Book
  5. The Kid’s Guide To Hitchhiking
  6. Curious George And The High Voltage Fence
  7. The Little Crybaby Who Snitched
  8. That’s It: I’m Putting You Up For Adoption
  9. Grandpa Gets A Casket
  10. Where To Hide Those Peas You Don’t Want To Eat
  11. The Magic World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator
  12. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
  13. Fun Things To Do With Matches
  14. Strangers Have The Best Candy
  15. Your Nightmares Are Real
  16. Where Would You Like To Be Buried?
  17. Why Can’t Mr. Fork And Ms. Electric Outlet Be Friends?
  18. Places Where Mommy And Daddy Hide Neat Things
  19. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet
  20. 101 Fun Games To Play In The Highway
  21. You Can’t Hide It If You Are Stupid
  22. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You Are Not A Coward
  23. Trixie Goes To The Big City
  24. The Pop-Up Book Of Human Anatomy

 

A Bad Analogy Is Like A Good Analogy, Only Somehow Different

Dictionary definition:  A’nal’o’gy (noun) 1. Comparison between two things that are similar in some way, often used to help explain something or make it easier to understand.

Sometimes bad analogies make us laugh, or perhaps cringe. Here are twelve really bad analogies originally attributed to school children.

  1. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  2. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
  3. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  4. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
  5. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
  6. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  7. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  8. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
  9. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
  10. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  12. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.